CPTSD Diaries #3: Feeling abandoned
Despite being fiercely independent I’ve got massive problems with being abandoned.
All my life I’ve been the second choice, the backup, someone to whom there are conditions that I must meet to be considered worthy.
I grew up with lots of pressure from my parents to act the way they wanted me to act (which only made me act out more), I was expected to get good grades, act appropriately, and go to university. If I wasn’t doing that, well I got yelled at, given the cold shoulder and made to feel bad.
I struggled with friends. Always had a bully or five, and people who said their were my best friend one minute, ignored me the next.
When a child isn’t given the appropriate learning opportunities for friendship, then they don’t learn, which makes making friends harder.
The one thing I did learn was how to be funny. So I became the class clown. If I could have people laughing with me, then for a few fleeting moments they weren’t laughing at me.
This then exacerbated the issue with my parents. My grades were poor and I was constantly getting into trouble, the price for five seconds of people liking me was more chastisement from my parents. This cycle continued my entire schooling life.
When I did make friends it never lasted. I would always do something wrong or because I was unpopular I was ditched to better serve their social currency. This stifled my social development well into my early twenties and I still, to this day, struggle with people.
Being unpopular in school is nearly a death sentence. I’m not being dramatic, the loneliness and ostracism led me to attempt suicide several times, and one particular cruel moment of bullying had me nearly bleed to death on school grounds.
At age thirteen I had already developed a stress disorder. I would get migraines and multi-day stomach aches from the stress.
I never felt safe, I spent my days at school trying to survive, my evenings trying to please my parents or stay out of the way of their mood, and my nights dreaming of how i would go back in time and change it all.
A child deserves to feel safe, and I never did.
Now to add some perspective here, I didn’t have abusive parents, nor did I go to a dangerous school. I had a great relationship with my parents and I did spend periods of my life with friends, periods of my life where I was happy.
However, this didn’t move the needle enough on the macro level. It was like falling off your bike with the only choice to get back on it or be dragged behind it, and I spent a lot of time being dragged behind.
This continued through my twenties and into my thirties, life would regularly throw some of the most earth shattering of balls at me, meaning any periods of peace were times I was using to recover, not thrive, and then before too long I would be hit again.
I spent my twenties dealing with parental death, mental and physical illness, and two long term relationships where they only cared for me if it was convenient.
It’s no wonder I sit here, now in my 30’s, feeling like I can’t trust anyone.
I am drawn to relationships to cover up the pain of being abandoned, and I keep all my friends at arms length as to prevent them from getting close enough to hurt me.
It makes me feel like I’m living a hollow life. I’ve been surviving like this for so long, that I’m not sure how to undo it.
To feel like you don’t need people, but to have every thought depend on how you feel about people is a cruel curse.
I read into every subtext and subtle change in behavior.
I’m trying to stop, more often than not I’m very wrong with worst case scenario presumption, but it’s not stopping, what’s changing is the period of time I panic about the issue is shortening, thankfully.
I’ve been feeling like I’m not living for myself, I don’t know how to be me if you removed everyone else from around me, which is ironic given I’m very independent have far too many hobbies and don’t spend a lot of time socializing to begin with.
A lot of my thoughts have been around escaping, moving somewhere where no one knows who I am, being free to do whatever I want, whenever I want, and seeing what the cold stark reality of loneliness actually feels like, just so I can learn some appreciation for what I have.
A very over the top fantasy I know, but feeling chained to this life, by such trivial things as a “loving partner”, a “loving family”, and “friends who want to be around me” is hard for me to appreciate and connect to. Primarily because I don’t understand what connection actually is, possibly because I’ve spent twenty plus years of my life in survival mode, and it feels easier to burn it all down and start again than it is to do the hard work now, in the thick of things.
As you can see, I can see the shape of my problem, its motivations and drivers, but I struggle to see a solution.