CPTSD Diaries #4: Every day is different
I had some time off work because the constant stresses in my life this year put me to my knees.
I was burnt out, exhausted, stuck in negative rumination, and my job wasn't helping. I was doing everything I could just to survive the day and go home and rest, just to wake up feeling exhausted the next day.
The time off was nice, and I was able to hit a point where I was kinda bored just hiding at home and felt like going back to work would be alright.
It was odd, because I would have some days of feeling quite rested and calm, and feel like I was getting better, other days I would be having a stage 87 panic attack about things that definitely weren't happening.
It's quite unsettling because it leaves you not knowing where you are in terms of sanity, its hard to feel like you need to take it easy when you're feeling fine, but when you've done a full 180 and can't think straight due to overwhelming anxiety, it makes you feel like you need months off, something that is impossible under capitalism. I've got bills to pay.
I often struggle with the fact that recovery can take years with CPTSD, I'm impatient and feel like I'm loosing prime years of my life, but I'm slowing coming to realize you can't rush it.